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Compassion Fatigue

8/30/2023

After losing your spouse, maybe six months to a year later, have you had family and/or friends tell you, “okay, you should be moving on by now?” It hurts to hear them say that, but it may help you to realize they have no idea what you are going through and they are tired of seeing you sad. I know what you may think—how sad for them! It does seem insensitive.

I have a friend who shared a phrase I really like--compassion fatigue. That phrase explains how tired your family and friends become seeing you crying, wanting to be alone, and appearing sad all the time. They are exhausted having to continue to display compassion day after day.

Try to forgive them though because you, of all people, know how tiring it is to go through grief. They just want the “old you back.” I remember my boss saying that to me years ago…“I just want the old Sue back.”

Well, that will never happen. You will never be the same person again. You will get stronger, you will smile more, and you will enjoy life again, but you will always have a memory sitting in the background. And that memory can surface at any time and it may bring on sadness, but it will eventually bring a smile to your face. I look at a photo of my husband, Greg, now and I smile and reminisce about when the photo was taken--where we were and what we were doing.

So, forgive others for their compassion fatigue because you know how tiring it is to grieve. They’re tired too watching you grieve. Forgiveness is a wonderful gift you can give someone. Even if you don’t feel they deserve it, forgiveness helps YOU too – not just the person you forgive. And, remember theme 1 in my book – it’s all about YOU. So, help yourself by forgiving.

#grief #griefjourney #griefandloss #griefsupport #spousegrief #spouseloss

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This Is My Life

8/15/2023

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After losing your spouse, one of the most important tools you can use to move through your grief is your powerful mind. Here’s another idea to help you reframe your mind.

Think back to a time when your spouse was not in your life. That may be a long time ago, I know. After Greg died and I had to come to grips with living alone, I thought back to when I was in my early 20s. I had an apartment, lived alone, and was fine. So, intellectually, I knew I could live alone again…even if I did not want to live alone. But now I had no choice.

I started saying, This Is My Life. 4 little words, but they have power.

THIS is my life – face it, your life will never be the same, so how will you cope?

This IS my life – what are you going to do with it?

This is MY life - You are the one alive. Think about YOU and what you need to focus on, to become a healthy and happy person

This is my LIFE – while you will spend eternity in Heaven, what will you do with the rest of your life here on earth?

You can change the emphasis of these 4 little words. Make this your new mantra.

Think about how you have become a better person because of having your spouse in your life. I am SO different because of Greg. He always encouraged me and I would never have gone into sales, finished my degree, or wrote a book if not for him. What about you? Can you articulate how you’re different?

Appreciate the life you had with your spouse, and bring all those memories with you as you build your new life and your new future. But, build a new future you must! Do not let yourself get stuck and unable to move.

#grief #griefjourney #griefsupport #spouseloss #griefandloss #spousegrief

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Reframe Your Mind

8/3/2023

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Your mind is a powerful thing, so try to use it for your own good. You can easily be negative and think of everything you lost when your spouse died, but try to reframe how you think about losing your spouse. Here are some ways to begin:

Think of the time you had with your spouse as a gift. Every morning when I say my prayers, I thank God for giving Greg to me for 43 years. Of course I wanted more years, but I think of our 43 years as such a gift and gifts are wonderful things to receive.

Be thankful for whatever time you had with your spouse, whether
you had him or her for 5, 10, or more years – and consider whatever
time you had as a gift.

Another way to look at your lose is to consider, “what if you never MET your spouse?” It’s true that if you had not met him or her, you would not be suffering now for your loss. But, is that really what you would prefer? There’s a quote that says, “grief is the price you pay for loving someone.” (I’ve seen it attributed to both Queen Elizabeth II and Zig Ziglar.)

Grief is supposed to hurt because the purpose of grieving is to
bring healing. You have to grieve in order to heal. So, allow yourself
some time to grieve.

Viktor Frankl wrote a book called The Meaning of Life and in it he talks about the meaning of suffering (he was in a labor camp). He tells the story about a friend of his who came to talk to him years later because he was despondent over losing his wife. Frankl asked him how his wife would have fared if he had died first and his wife survived him. In that moment, the man realized the gift he had given to his wife – he was suffering so she didn’t have to suffer losing him.

This is another way to think of your suffering as a “gift” to your
spouse. Frankl says suffering ceases to be suffering when it has
meaning. Think of the gift you’re giving your spouse—the gift of
peace.

So, instead of thinking what you lost, think about the GIFT you received for so many years and the gift you continue to give every day.

Watch my videos on TikTok, YouTube, or Instagram: @spouse_grief

#grief #griefjourney #griefandloss #griefsupport #spousegrief #lossspouse #spouseloss

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Compassion Fatigue

This Is My Life

Reframe Your Mind

When You Lose Your Spouse

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