Wed, 26 Jun 2024 02:59:35 -0400WeeblyTue, 31 Oct 2023 17:58:26 GMThttp://susanpagebooks.com/grief/do-you-think-youre-crazyDo you ever feel like you’re going crazy or wonder if you’re slowly going insane as you move through the grieving process? Before your spouse died, you could:
 
Think clearly

• Everything you needed was at your fingertips.
• You functioned liked a normal person.
• Knew what to do and when to do it
• You were organized!

 
Now:

• Tears come for any reason.
• You snap at a loved one for a minor infraction.
• Overreact to a rescheduled appointment.
• Lose your keys.
• Can’t find your glasses when they’re sitting on top of your head?

 
Did I do any of these things? Yes, of course. So relax, you ARE normal. It’s just grief at work.
 

• Whether you cry all the time OR not at all, it’s normal. 
• If you have trouble concentrating, it’s normal.
• If you feel like you’re in a fog, it’s normal.
• If you seem absent minded, you’re normal.
• If you’re confused, you’re normal.
• If you’re scared, have increased anxiety, or find yourself worrying more, you’re normal.

 
If you’ve read any of H. Norman Wright’s works, you may be familiar with his diagram, A Tangled Ball of Emotions, because grief is certainly that. You can find the image online by searching for “tangled ball of emotions.”
 
It’s so important not to question your sanity though when you lose your spouse because grieving is hard work. It’s clearly not for the weak of heart.
 
But remember, grieving brings healing. If you’re following Theme 2 from my book, and are doing the “grief work,” you will come through your grief and find some peace.
 
@spouse_grief #grief #griefjourney #griefsupport #griefandloss #spouseloss 
]]>Tue, 10 Oct 2023 19:29:11 GMThttp://susanpagebooks.com/grief/the-big-question-whyIn my July 12 blog, I discussed “How Long” – how long does grief last? Well, as you struggle with trying to answer that question, you might also be asking yourself the big question…WHY?
 

• Why did your spouse die, especially when there are so many evil people in the world?
• Why now?
• If you lost your spouse to Covid, why in such a wasteful manner?
• Why not me first?

 
Unfortunately, there is no clear answer to the WHY question. God’s plan for His kingdom is way bigger than my tiny world. His ways are a mystery….especially when bad people seem to be everywhere!
 
Sometimes we have to accept that not all questions have answers. Ask yourself, if you knew the answer to why, would you really feel better? I’m not sure.
 
God’s power is infinite and I do not understand all He does and why…and I guess I never will. So, leave the Why to Him—he does have a reason. Maybe your spouse accomplished everything he or she was supposed to accomplish on earth and they are ready to have eternal peace and happiness. But, you and I still have work to do—we have not accomplished our work in this life. We cannot have eternal happiness yet.
 
So, you may wonder what is the meaning of your life now that your spouse has died? What is your unfinished work?
 
I mentioned Viktor Frankl’s book, the Meaning of Life, in an earlier blog and when he talks about the meaning of life, he says there is no one answer for everybody. The meaning of life to you stems from your circumstances and it changes as your circumstances change.
 
Well, losing your spouse certainly changed your circumstances, so allow yourself time to figure out the new meaning of your life. Theme 1 from my book, When You Lose Your Spouse, is It’s All About You—work to uncover YOUR meaning moving forward.

#grief #griefjourney #griefandloss #griefsupport #spousegrief #spouseloss
]]>Wed, 30 Aug 2023 15:36:58 GMThttp://susanpagebooks.com/grief/compassion-fatigueAfter losing your spouse, maybe six months to a year later, have you had family and/or friends tell you, “okay, you should be moving on by now?” It hurts to hear them say that, but it may help you to realize they have no idea what you are going through and they are tired of seeing you sad. I know what you may think—how sad for them! It does seem insensitive.
 
I have a friend who shared a phrase I really like--compassion fatigue.  That phrase explains how tired your family and friends become seeing you crying, wanting to be alone, and appearing sad all the time. They are exhausted having to continue to display compassion day after day.
 
Try to forgive them though because you, of all people, know how tiring it is to go through grief. They just want the “old you back.” I remember my boss saying that to me years ago…“I just want the old Sue back.”
 
Well, that will never happen. You will never be the same person again. You will get stronger, you will smile more, and you will enjoy life again, but you will always have a memory sitting in the background. And that memory can surface at any time and it may bring on sadness, but it will eventually bring a smile to your face. I look at a photo of my husband, Greg, now and I smile and reminisce about when the photo was taken--where we were and what we were doing.
 
So, forgive others for their compassion fatigue because you know how tiring it is to grieve. They’re tired too watching you grieve. Forgiveness is a wonderful gift you can give someone. Even if you don’t feel they deserve it, forgiveness helps YOU too – not just the person you forgive. And, remember theme 1 in my book – it’s all about YOU. So, help yourself by forgiving.

#grief #griefjourney #griefandloss #griefsupport #spousegrief #spouseloss]]>Tue, 15 Aug 2023 13:20:39 GMThttp://susanpagebooks.com/grief/this-is-my-lifeAfter losing your spouse, one of the most important tools you can use to move through your grief is your powerful mind. Here’s another idea to help you reframe your mind.
 
Think back to a time when your spouse was not in your life. That may be a long time ago, I know.  After Greg died and I had to come to grips with living alone, I thought back to when I was in my early 20s. I had an apartment, lived alone, and was fine. So, intellectually, I knew I could live alone again…even if I did not want to live alone. But now I had no choice.
 
I started saying, This Is My Life.  4 little words, but they have power.
 

• THIS is my life – face it, your life will never be the same, so how will you cope?

 

• This IS my life – what are you going to do with it?

 

• This is MY life - You are the one alive. Think about YOU and what you need to focus on, to become a healthy and happy person

 

• This is my LIFE – while you will spend eternity in Heaven, what will you do with the rest of your life here on earth?

 
You can change the emphasis of these 4 little words. Make this your new mantra.
 
Think about how you have become a better person because of having your spouse in your life. I am SO different because of Greg. He always encouraged me and I would never have gone into sales, finished my degree, or wrote a book if not for him. What about you? Can you articulate how you’re different?
 
Appreciate the life you had with your spouse, and bring all those memories with you as you build your new life and your new future. But, build a new future you must! Do not let yourself get stuck and unable to move.


#grief #griefjourney #griefsupport #spouseloss #griefandloss #spousegrief
]]>Thu, 03 Aug 2023 17:31:56 GMThttp://susanpagebooks.com/grief/reframe-your-mindYour mind is a powerful thing, so try to use it for your own good. You can easily be negative and think of everything you lost when your spouse died, but try to reframe how you think about losing your spouse. Here are some ways to begin:
 

• Think of the time you had with your spouse as a gift. Every morning when I say my prayers, I thank God for giving Greg to me for 43 years. Of course I wanted more years, but I think of our 43 years as such a gift and gifts are wonderful things to receive.

 
           Be thankful for whatever time you had with your spouse, whether 
           you had him or her for 5, 10, or more years – and consider whatever
           time you had as a gift.
 

• Another way to look at your lose is to consider, “what if you never MET your spouse?” It’s true that if you had not met him or her, you would not be suffering now for your loss. But, is that really what you would prefer? There’s a quote that says, “grief is the price you pay for loving someone.” (I’ve seen it attributed to both Queen Elizabeth II and Zig Ziglar.)

 
          Grief is supposed to hurt because the purpose of grieving is to
          bring healing. You have to grieve in order to heal. So, allow yourself
          some time to grieve.
 

• Viktor Frankl wrote a book called The Meaning of Life and in it he talks about the meaning of suffering (he was in a labor camp). He tells the story about a friend of his who came to talk to him years later because he was despondent over losing his wife. Frankl asked him how his wife would have fared if he had died first and his wife survived him. In that moment, the man realized the gift he had given to his wife – he was suffering so she didn’t have to suffer losing him.

 
          This is another way to think of your suffering as a “gift” to your
          spouse. Frankl says suffering ceases to be suffering when it has
          meaning. Think of the gift you’re giving your spouse—the gift of
      peace.
 
So, instead of thinking what you lost, think about the GIFT you received for so many years and the gift you continue to give every day.

Watch my videos on TikTok, YouTube, or Instagram:  @spouse_grief
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#grief #griefjourney #griefandloss #griefsupport #spousegrief #lossspouse #spouseloss]]>Thu, 20 Jul 2023 18:43:05 GMThttp://susanpagebooks.com/grief/grief-as-a-journeyI usually refer to grief as a process, mostly because of my process background. But, it may sound more user-friendly if I refer to the grieving process as a JOURNEY.
 
When you take a trip, you plan where you’re going, how you’re going to get there, where you’ll stay, and so forth. You take detours sometimes because you encounter twists along the way.
 
Detours are part of the grief journey too, so expect the unexpected.
 
You may feel in control one day and the next day, you feel as if you have taken ten steps backwards. This is normal. Your journey will not take you on a linear path – you will have ups and downs. But, as long as your overall path is upwards, you will become stronger and stronger as you work through your grief (remember theme 2 in my book). I compare grief’s trajectory to the stock market. It climbs upwards and then takes a downward spiral – it goes up and down, but hopefully, the overall trajectory over time is upward.
 
If an ambush of grief washes over you when you least expect it (because of a song, a smell, a picture), just go with the flow – feel the pain, cry (emotional tears are healthy), enjoy the memory, and know it’s normal to have detours as you work through your grief.
 
Just remember, you ARE normal, you will get stronger, and you are loved – especially by God.


#grief #griefjourney #griefandlost #griefsupport #spousegrief
Watch my videos on TikTok, YouTube, or Instagram:  @spouse_grief
]]>Wed, 12 Jul 2023 15:26:57 GMThttp://susanpagebooks.com/grief/how-long-does-grief-lastAs you move through the grieving process after losing your spouse, you naturally wonder How Long?
 

• how long will this pain last,
• how long will I be sad,
• how long will I cry,
• how long will it be until I can sleep again.

 
There are just so many “how longs.” And while you may want to hear, 8 to 12 weeks, or maybe one year, the truth is...there is no set timeframe. Each one of us has a different timeframe, and why is that? Well, here are some reasons:
 

1. Time spent grieving: How much time have you actually spent grieving?  I mean doing the grief work and working through your grief vs. going around in circles trying to avoid your grief.
2. Circumstances of your spouse’s death:  This also impacts the answer to “how long.” I talked about sudden vs. long-term illnesses in a prior blog, but what about suicide or another type of violence? These situations add complexity to your grief and you will grieve longer (and you probably need professional help to deal with suicide).
3. Other deaths: Another reason the answer to HOW LONG varies, is whether you experienced any other deaths in the past year. Multiple deaths add complexity to how long you grieve. One widower I met lost his mother and three months later, his wife died unexpectedly. He wasn’t even finished grieving his mom.
4. Relationship you had with your spouse: The type of relationship you had with your spouse also impacts how long you grieve. Was it a loving, caring relationship, where your whole world centered around him or her, or were you drifting apart?
5. Religious beliefs: Another impact to “how long,” stems from your religious beliefs. Do you find comfort in your faith, or have you walked away from your faith, or maybe you never believed. God always listens, so you can start talking to Him anytime.
6. Anticipatory grief: This type of grief occurs before the actual loss. If your spouse suffered from a long-term illness, you may have already done some grieving – perhaps the loss of your ability to travel or go out to dinner. If you experienced anticipatory grief, you may find the time you spend grieving after the actual death shorter.​

So, as you can see, answering how long is not an easy thing to do. Just know that whatever time is right for you is right for you.
 
Loss is forever; grief is not. You will cope, you will survive, and you will find happiness again.

​#grief #griefjourney #griefandloss #griefsupport 
Watch my videos on TikTok, YouTube, or Instagram:  @spouse_grief
]]>Tue, 27 Jun 2023 15:19:27 GMThttp://susanpagebooks.com/grief/we-all-grieve-differentlyWhen you lose your spouse, the way you grieve your loss will differ from another widow or widower you may know. While it’s true we all have a similar experience, the relationship we had with our spouses differ, and the way we grieve will differ too. We all have a unique set of fingerprints and we all have a different way to handle our grief. So, do not compare yourself to another widowed person.
 
Often when someone I talk with hears I’m widowed, they begin talking about a loss of theirs – their mom or dad, a sibling, another relative, or a friend. This lack of sensitivity always bothers me…because there is NOTHING like losing your spouse. I try not to let it bother me because I know their intent is to try and help, but it really does not help at all. Sometimes people will even talk about the pain of losing their beloved pet or going through a divorce. Try to forgive and know they are only trying to help. No one knows what to say or how to help you, unless they have lost a spouse too.
 
The parents or siblings of your spouse, if still alive, will grieve differently than you. Your children will grieve differently. You had a unique relationship with your spouse, so try not to judge others in the way they grieve the loss of your spouse.

#grief  #griefandloss  #griefsupport  #griefjourney  #spousegrief
]]>Mon, 19 Jun 2023 17:06:28 GMThttp://susanpagebooks.com/grief/which-is-worse-a-sudden-death-or-a-long-term-illnessMy husband, Greg, suffered through a five-year battle with cancer. I have talked to many widows and widowers through the grief forum I facilitate….and we all agree, neither one is easier.
 
When your spouse dies suddenly, you’re in such a state of shock, but even when your spouse suffered through an illness for years, the final end is still a shock. Greg’s impending death really hit me in that final year when I realized how weak he was becoming from his two types of cancer. But I still didn’t expect him to die when he did. The day before he died, I kept an appointment Greg had made with the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) months earlier. If I knew that was his last day alive, I would never have kept the appointment, but I didn’t know.
 
What I’ve come to realize is that: THE END IS NEVER PERFECT!
 
Widowed people who lose their spouse suddenly, seem to have a harder time initially moving through their grief, but after about two months, all widowed people seem to suffer the same degree of pain. The only people I have seen have a harder time are those who lost their spouse through suicide or murder. Those situations add an increased degree of complexity and those widows and widowers need more help.
 
I have regrets I kept that IRS appointment, and we all have regrets about something. But, forgive yourself – you don’t know what you don’t know.

#grief  #griefsupport  #griefandloss  #griefjourney
]]>Tue, 13 Jun 2023 18:18:46 GMThttp://susanpagebooks.com/grief/3-themes-when-moving-through-griefWhen you lose your spouse, your whole world changes. Grieving is a process, so try to follow these three (3) themes as your journey through your grief.
​

1. YOU: It is about you now and your healing. Although sad, you are the one alive. Do whatever works for you. Do not let anyone dictate what you should or should not do. Maybe, for once in your life, permit yourself some selfishness.
2. Work THROUGH your grief. Instead of keeping busy to avoid your grief, do not walk around it, going in circles. Face it; confront it head-on. Other people may tell you to “just keep busy,” but doing so only delays your healing.​
3. Do ONE thing. Force yourself to do one thing each day. This may simply be making your bed, eating one healthy thing, getting dressed, returning one phone call, or cleaning a drawer. One little step each day helps you gain strength.

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